hmm novel....
Comments
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Sgtalex in finlandchapter one awakening.
Dave? (im all out of names so if u got something good for my main char dont be afraid to throw it in :-D) took a look at the sky and was suprised it was still clear and sun was shining like nothing out of the ordinary had happened,but something clearly was as he couldn't stop looking at the blade coming out of his chest. As he tumbled down to the dirt he heard silky voice whispering to his ear "i didn't want this to happen but u left me no choise my love, u really should had left things like they were coming back was big mistake. dave tried to talk, to tell here he wasn't angry but he had no strength left and as he drifted to darkness he felt something warm dripping on his cheek. Dave was in nothingness "y this is nice where r my fields of glory i bought with my donations damn" after a while he didnt know how long he had been nothing actually he couldn't remember who he was at all anymore he heard a faint sound. he didnt recognice it but all he knew that something was defenately better than nothing, ass he drew closer to the melody he started to make out words. " u shoud'nt go yet u ar still needed com to me follow my light..."
(going to be continued when i get myself into it again) anyone want to check typing ehh?
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Otaku_Fox in Shadow RealmRevolution Is Wuts for DinnerFirst of all there r a lot of grammatical errors and some misspellings. Your first sentence needs to be revised because, an I am sry to say this, but you need to create more of a feeling. Like you are actually that character and is doing the exact thing he is. Second of all, you shouldn't contradict your sentence of how peaceful it was and then have a blade stick out of his chest. You could have went with how he was falling down, etc... That creates a smoother atmosphere for wut your going to be going into. Here are is a word you need to change: ass he drew first word needs to be as. sentence fracture was big mistake. you need to add an a after big. I would replace Dave was in nothingness an replace it with AS he was surrounded in complete darkness he thought to himself, "....". You don't need to name the main character so many times since you alrdy portrayed who the sentence is about. Last thing, Don't make you sentences too long. Well thats all I have to say 4 now.
__________________I see I see! says the blind man peeing into the fan, its all coming back to me.
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Sgtalex in finland
thanks about reply!!!!
i tried to give the feeling about the char thinking how the hell thinks can go on like normal after he gets sticked with butter knife in the back by
his girl :-P and about the grammar well i talk english just fine but i havnt had any need to write so much with it so just bare with me :-)
AS he was surrounded in complete darkness he thought to himself,? well why "he thought to himself? isnt it obvius cos who would he be talking to lol :-P
!!!!! errr how do i edit my story post? i only see the edit button at my last post?
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Otaku_Fox in Shadow RealmRevolution Is Wuts for Dinner
I get wut ur saying and I wasn't saying nething bad about your english btw. And all you have to do is hit the edit button to the post you want to change. I was trying to iterate on the whole slipping into darkness to help you help your readers get a general perspective on the fact that darkness is slowly covering his world as he dies.
__________________I see I see! says the blind man peeing into the fan, its all coming back to me.
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Sgtalex in finland
i can edit the first post i made (and the last) but not any of the ones in the middle the edit button disappeared after first reply
(and darkness isnt quit the same as nothing)
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jgsalazar1 in usacollege studentfirst of all this is not a novel that you are going to publish so don't worry too much about your grammatical errors especially if you dont know your rules. Second concentrate more on building your setting, characters, and story because this is what makes or breaks your novel you can worry about the other stuff later. Many writers go over their work many times before its published not only that but they give it to other editors and writers alike for revision. Unless you were going for a professional piece of work (which i dont think you were) than i wouldn't worry too much about the grammer,spelling,diction,sentence structure, and syntax. Just have fun with it. Anyways those are just my thoughts.
__________________"Catch me. Catch me if you can." Says the MAGIC RABBIT.
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Jinjin in TerraSoldier Blueyou should try to type out the "u" to "you" word when you post something like this xD
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Sgtalex in finland
as Dave opened opened his eyes, there was woman standing by him with faint smile saying
-: i have a job for you.
He took a deep breath ,and thought "u really don't realise how nice breathing feels before u stop doing it for a while".
-: you must be short on operatives to actually get me back said Dave with grin on his face. woman shook her head and said - No this job only needed your spelialities and hose cant be found here, ill explain the job right now so u can deside if u do it not and by the way i'm Zade.
Moments later Dave was riding his new horse towards town named Calathat where he should meet rest of the crew but if the info from Zade was correct it would take him 2 weeks riding trough dark forest and all she said about it was that it is famous about men riding in and never come out but sword he got with the rest of the gear felt good and balanced so he wasn't really worried there was nothing he couldn't handle with blade in his hand.((i still cant edit my previus posts so ull have to jump from one post to another)!!
((hmm i just realised that i m not very goo at making dialog so this project could take a while... :-P))
(((Didnt like my grandpa scenario so i made new one with babe))) :-P
gonna write a novel... cos im bored... its going to take a while :-P so bare with me and gimme some feedpack when i get smthing done.